3 Biggest Husband and Wife Money Fights — and How To Solve Them
According to a Facebook post by financial expert, Rachel Cruze: “Money is the number one issue married couples fight about and it’s the second leading cause of divorce.” What makes these conflicts complicated, however, is that couples are rarely fighting about pure logistics. They are generally struggling with deeper issues in the relationship like communication, trust and the ability to work as a team.
Cruze frequently invites couples to ask if they have a money problem or a marriage problem and argues learning to fix money problems may increase intimacy and the overall health of the relationship. Which feels like some pretty good incentive for getting down to business.
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Let’s take a look at three of the biggest husband and wife money fights — and how spouses can work toward solving them.
The Spender vs. the Saver
“This is easily the most common fight I see, hands down,” said Cody Schuiteboer, president and CEO at Best Interest Financial, who explained that one spouse typically views money as a tool for fun, pleasure and enjoyment; the other sees money as a security blanket for the future. Yet, neither are objectively right nor wrong — they’re just different mindsets.
To resolve this conflict, understand that what you’re really arguing about is freedom and security. So move away from a “winner versus loser” mentality and find ways to work together while respecting each other’s’ differences. Schuiteboer recommended dividing expenses into three categories: household needs, shared goals (like home repairs and family vacations) and personal spending.
Once the first two categories are jointly taken care of, spouses can budget for a third, sacred category they handle separately: personal spending. This will serve as a “no questions asked” allowance where each spouse has a set amount of money to do with as they please.
“The spender isn’t going to ask the saver to sign off on their $300 monthly shoe habit. The saver is not going to ask the spender to put their $300 monthly allowance into an S&P ETF,” Schuiteboer explained. This often eliminates 80% of fights.
Financial Infidelity
Think infidelity only occurs between the sheets? Think again. Financial infidelity refers to hidden purchases or credit cards that one’s spouse does not know about. Schuiteboer said these purchases start out less as a desire to deceive a spouse and more as a way to avoid larger arguments. Unfortunately, secrets have a way of coming out. And, “once a spouse starts hiding expenditures, the loss of trust is a far bigger issue than the money spent.”
To avoid this conflict, focus on transparency. Schuiteboer recommended having monthly “money dates” with your spouse. This is a time to review the past month’s spending while discussing upcoming expenditures. The purpose of these dates is to normalize talking about money for the conflict-averse.
“If talking about money is routine, there’s no need to hide anything,” Schuiteboer said.
Other tactics include merging all finances and/or having full access to each other’s accounts.
Unequal Contributions
“One of the most common issues I see is couples trying to work out what is fair in joint finances when each member of the couple earns different amounts,” said Dan Wilderness, founder of The Financial Wilderness. This can be challenging because there’s no universal definition of fair.
To help solve this conflict, open communication is key. What couples are actually arguing about are power dynamics. Wilderness advised spouses get clear on and communicate what amount works for each of them to contribute while remembering that financial contributions aren’t everything: “value is often added in other ways around the house.”
Perhaps spouses contribute a proportionate amount from each of their salaries (instead of a 50/50 split) to a joint account while keeping separate checking and savings accounts. Some spouses may also decide to forego joint accounts and keep everything separate. Whatever the decision, each spouse must be willing to be vulnerable and talk openly in order to find a solution that works best for them.
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This article was provided by MoneyLion.com for informational purposes only and should not be construed as financial, legal or tax advice.
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